Finding "Full"

This week has started off as extremely trying. I was expecting to have a day off on Sunday from working at Ruby's, but Saturday night, one of the other hostesses called and said she couldn't find a babysitter for the Sunday afternoon shift. I decided to be the nice person and take the shift, even though it stressed me out so much I wanted to cry. Right after I hung up the phone, one of the servers came by and informed me there was a winter weather advisory for Sunday night. We hardly had any business, so at least I got to go home earlier than usual. The manager wanted to make sure I made it back safely too.

After a bland, exhausting Monday, I came home from Ruby's to find that KimKim's room was completely empty. She had picked up and moved. I looked around the house for some sort of note or explanation, but there was nothing. She left completely without notice. We had a rommie meeting when Tiffany and Courtney got back a little after that. I was sitting knitting contently, excited to start my newest project. We discussed the matter and Tiffany said they caught her on her way out earlier that day. If they wouldn't have seen her, we all would have had my same experience. She reported that KimKim was very vague and acting very suspiciously about her "sudden" decision. We believe she didn't want roommates and everything else she said was just an excuse. I knew KimKim had problems with Tiffany (like I had), but apparently she wasn't able to tough it out, learn and grow. So she was gone, and there was nothing we could do about it. Rent checks needed to be on the fridge in a couple of days and we needed a plan of attack.

When KimKim had moved in, the attorney, Marc, had said that he's not sure if Kurt would withdraw his offer of a lowered overall rent ($750 instead of $875) as a result of the Grace situation or not. We weren't counting on it. So when Tiffany texted me on Tuesday morning while I was a school and told me that as of now, we were going to need to have a check for over $290 prepared for rent collection, I was none to happy. I asked if we could have Grace pay it, and she informed me that she never responds to either her or Courtney. Since I didn't have a relationship with Grace, I didn't have issue with being direct about the issue. Long story short, after my messages, Grace responded. To all of us. We had another roomie meeting that night and talked things over so we were all on the same page. Tiffany was grateful I had taken action; she didn't think she could have said what needed to be said because Grace was her friend. Courtney didn't even want to know what happened, she just wanted to fix the issue now that we had Grace's attention.

Meanwhile, I am currently trying to further educate myself in the world of knitting. I am intrigued by the idea of selling my creations, and figured I would begin learning how to create cup cozies, or mug sweaters. They're super cute, but I'm stumped by the pattern's directions of creating the ribbed look at the top. I've had the hardest time discerning the difference between "knitting" and "purling", because when I look at how-to's online, they look exactly the same! The pictures of "purled" yarn looks just like that of "knitted" yarn! I can feel the conflict in my brain; I can feel my thoughts coming to and end, like they're hitting a wall. My thoughts are being beaten and bruised! However, I have finally come to a conclusion. They must simply be the same movements, going in opposite directions.

I was super excited to get home last night and give it a shot. So I picked up my needles and knit (sticking the needle through the stitch pointing away from me) and purled (sticking the needle through the stitch pointing at me) all the way down the row. Success! I could see the backwards/forwards, in/out pattern beginning to form. However, when I got to the second row, I knew I had to knit where I'd purled and purl where I'd knitted because now it was all facing the other direction. Between trying to keep that straight and seeing the crisscross on the needle that I'm not used to seeing and not being able to discern which was a stitch and which was not, I got so frustrated and lost and tight that I couldn't find a stitch or pick it up when I could find it. The entire thing was turning into a mess, and I got so mad, I yanked my needles out and decided I was going to pull it out down to the knit section again, stick the needles in and start over. But as I was trying to get the chosen row back on the needle, a stitch was too small to grab and it fell through. That was it. I grabbed the yarn and unraveled the whole thing, tossed it to the side, and threw myself back on the bed.

This was the exact moment Kal came over to pick me up for dinner. Bless his heart, he sat there with me and listened to my woes. At least that was the worst part to my yesterday. Then, I got a text from Courtney late last night concerning the Grace situation. They had all met up at Starbucks (Grace did not invite me, coward), and discussed the matter. When they got home, Kal was over, so Courtney just sent me a text. She said she would explain later, but I should just plan on writing a $219 check for rent in the morning.

After Kal left, I asked her what happened. The basics are that Grace does not feel responsible to fulfill the lease since KimKim had moved in and paid for a month. My problem with that is KimKim never signed anything. So the lease is still under Grace's signature. But whatever. Courtney and Tiffany are just done messing with it and they know I can't afford an extra $80 a month. Kurt is allowing us to pay only an extra $90 between us, so they chose to split it between the two of them and round me up to the nearest dollar amount. I made sure she knew I didn't want to stick that on them and I could make it work, but they insisted that this was better for everyone.

This morning though, I completely forgot to put the check on the fridge as the result of a whole new problem. It was difficult to get out of bed in the first place, so I was already dragging. I noticed there was a layer of snow covering the world and realized I was going to have to head out early to start my car or poor Libby wouldn't want to budge.So I went out ten minutes earlier than usual, went to unlock my car...and I couldn't even get the key in. The car was so frozen,  I couldn't even get the key into the lock. I usually only have trouble jiggling it enough to get it to break free, but this I had never encountered. I called Leesburg and let them know I was going to be a few minutes late, so I didn't get the crazy eyes from Krista again. I texted Dad and Kal and eventually concluded that hot water was my best option. I filled up my watering jug for my gerber daisies and  poured a little bit over the handle and lock, following it up with a dry towel. I didn't want to be counterproductive. I got the handle free fairly easily after only a few seconds, but I had to work for a few minutes on the lock since I couldn't get the water in the hole directly. When I finally got my key in, I had to jiggle and jiggle and jiggle for several minutes before I finally felt it start to give. Once I had it going a little bit, the rest of it soon followed. Libby sure put up a fight when I tried to turn over the ignition, but she eventually complied. I let her run for ten minutes before I made her drive anywhere.

When I got to school, I realized I had forgotten the check and had to drive all the way back home to deliver it to Tiffany and Courtney who needed to make the deposit today. It has to be processed by the first. So I spent my lunch break driving back into Warsaw and then back to Leesburg. Super. That was four dollars in gas, right there. Plus, some more frustrations because I had to fight to get into my car again.

Some highlights for the week so far however are that I was actually able to put some money into savings after I did all my budgeting. Sure, I had to go spend it on gas later, but I still felt good about myself for a moment. Also, Randy asked me today if I would be willing to start a volleyball club or run a clinic for girls who would like to participate and learn more about the sport. I was so excited! He said I have so much talent and it seems a crime that it's not being put to good use. If I can't fit a day into my schedule from 4-5 after school, then he would like me to give lessons to his daughter and he'd pay me $20 an hour. As good as the money sounds, the clinic would just be super fun! So I'll have to think about how I'm going to do that. Being able to put in my resume that I started and directed a school club is just a flat out good idea.

However, just like all things awesome, life threw something totally not awesome at me to follow it up. After BYC, I spent 20 minutes trying to get into my car before I finally called Mom in tears. I went back inside and Kal agreed to come get me. I decided to try hot water again, and on my way down the hall, the ESL teacher, Amber, caught me and asked what was going on. I explained, near tears again from my stress and frustration. She had actually de-froze someone else's car just a few days ago. We filled three gallon buckets with water and marched outside. The first we poured all around the door, and the rest directly on the seam by the lock. It worked. I got in and drove off to meet my friend Emily from Ruby's for coffee at Courthouse.

When I got there, I had the opposite problem I had been having. Instead of not being able to open my car door, I now couldn't close it. Go figure. I had no idea what I was going to do. I can't not have my car. Losing other things like my computer or my cell phone would certainly suck, but to lose my car? Oh no. That's an unbearable thought. My life depends on that vehicle. I have to work to survive. I'm living paycheck to paycheck, as much as I hate it. I struggle to break even every month. I can't not have a way to get to work everyday.

Emily pulled up beside me as I was banging at my door, trying to close it, trying even harder to not cry. It was so cold though, that I just stuck my computer in the trunk and left it as is. No one was going to try to steal a broken car. At least that was my thought. I texted Kal and told him about my newest predicament and he asked me what I wanted him to do for me. I told him I had no idea, but asked if he could come pick me up after me and Emily were finished. He called and asked where my car was and if it was just sitting out there, and I confirmed it. Bless his heart, he came out right then and there. I was expecting him to say something, but the next I heard from him, he called and told me he'd gotten it to close because "I'm just that good", and had left the passenger door unlocked for me to get into the car. I ran out in the cold without my coat to catch him before he left to kiss him because he's just the most wonderful thing ever.

So now, I have to climb in and out of my passenger side door and leave it unlocked (I don't have a keyhole on that side). Fantastic. But you know what? My car runs. The door is shut and I can drive it. She will still get me to work. It may be ghetto, but I get there.

I am being challenged in my soul by something I had never expected. I have faced a lot as I've ventured out on my own to begin my own life. My attitude when I wake up in the morning is simply to put on the coffee because it's going to be another crappy day. How am I going to make it until I get home again...? I don't want it to be that way, it bothers me. My mind was troubled over starting the day with coffee to sustain me. Coffee to de-stress. I called mom last night and talked to her about feeling like I needed to give up coffee for a while, trying to force myself to search for fulfillment in other places.

Her response was that maybe I didn't need to give it up completely. Instead, I should pray over my empty cup and ask God to fill it. Pray for the strength and power to keep on moving forward. If I still need a cup of coffee, I should have one, but only after I have gone to the right source of strength and fulfillment.

Although this week has been extremely difficult and exhausting, Prof Cox mentioned to me today that I seemed as if I had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

Yeah. God's gonna fill my cup. And He'll be faithful to fill it til it overflows.

I Have A Dream!

Yeah, the title is a few days late, but who the heck cares! I have a dream! And I wanna be a teacher! For the last few days, I have been way too excited about collecting possibilities and freebies and activities off teacherspayteachers.com (TpT). It's getting pretty bad. My poor computer is old and getting slow and yet I'm still stocking it full of goodies! I can't help but think about the way my classroom would look like, what I want it to be like.

After watching my favorite fifth grade teacher very closely the last few weeks, I've gotten a very good idea of how I want my classroom to look and run. Between her and the TpT ideas, I'm ready to go! Randy also gave me a book on how an effective teacher starts the school year. I will be taking very good notes. I want to be ready to go in the fall. I want to know exactly what I can tell a principal about how I imagine my classroom being.

Today while my students were reading the assignment during Reading Groups and finding character traits of the two boys in the story, I drew one of them from the cover of the book. I copied it, yes, but I didn't trace it. I was really impressed with how it turned out, so I wanted to share it with you :) I put it in one of my polka dot frames again :) Why not? This is The Polka Dot Notebook!

As I have already stated, I am pretty happy with myself. He also embodies how I often feel from day to day. Maybe that's why we connected, me and lil Peter Hatcher. It's so easy to get discouraged doing this job, especially when I feel under-appreciated and inadequate. There's a lot that drags me down on a daily basis. I try to look on the bright side, but the bright side isn't always looking on me.

I have begun to accumulate a lot of good ideas that I would love to implement in a classroom, and I have an ongoing project of collecting research articles and notes from books I've studied this year into one notebook. I'm still trying to figure out how I want it to be organized in the end, so it basically looks like a giant rough draft. But I love to learn, and I want to keep track of my learning. I love being a student too. I guess this is a good thing because I'm being piled up with a lot of books.

This led me to pick up an inspirational book from Randy's collection that I am hoping with help me stay inspired to teach, and help me remember why I'm here and what my purpose is. The very first thing I learned was in the first chapter. I learned about BEEP. Focusing on BEEP at the beginning of every day can change my outlook from the start. My attitude will effect my success and my effectiveness. I was so inspired in fact, that I created this poster to pin up in my room to remind me every day before I leave the house to keep things in check. I wanted to share this with you as well:

It looks like this book's purpose is to transform my thinking to keep me strong, effective, and in control; sort of like a teacher self-help book, as lame as that sounds. But if it helps me out, I'll take it.

Ruby's was interesting last night. We're training another hostess so there were four of us to start with and then he sent Jeff home super early, and he wasn't even supposed to be cut first. it was so messed up. Then, he whittled it down to just me by 8:15 and I was there til 10:30. We had this huge party come in who had reserved half of our bar area. The lady who called a few weeks ago caused us pain about it. She said there was going to be up to 25 people. That is not a definite number! And we weren't allowed to set the tables end to end around the restaurant because then "the people on either side of the table won't be able to talk to each other"....are you serious?? Then, it gets even better. Because this all came after we told her we didn't have a party room. So she decides to make her own. She reserved the bar for 25 people. We reserved all our booths and the big round table and had it all set up for 25 people. They all start showing up 25 minutes early. Fortunately, it wasn't a busy night and we were able to accommodate. But then, remember, they had only reserved half of our tables. The other ones were up for grabs. There was a party of three that wanted to sit at one of the tables, so they did. Then, not 25, but 35 people from this Newcomers Club decide to show up. So they just take our last two tables, push them together, and seat themselves. When the poor people who were surrounded by these idiots left, they took their table too! To top it all off, no one sat down for about an hour. They all just wandered around like we were some cocktail party hosts and ordered drinks from the bar and socialized. Our bar is set up by seats at the bar. They can't open an unlimited number of tabs. So these 35+ people were inconveniencing everyone. No one could sit in the bar on a Friday night because of them, they were loud and obnoxious, giving everyone a headache, and I couldn't hear to take to-go orders when I answered the phone. I felt like I was shouting. It was awful! Then, as the icing on the cake, after this party had slowed everything down since we didn't have enough free tables to cut at the pace we usually do, the manager cut the busser when we had five dirty tables in the dining room, and then shortly after, the Newcomer's Club bails and leaves a HUGE mess behind them. The cocktail servers were peeved that they had to clean up the mess and still tip out to a busser. So I told them not to worry about it. I cleaned the whole thing and set it all up again. I tackled the tables in the dining room too, removing all the dirty dishes and asked the server whose tables they were if he could please just wipe them down and put silverware on them. After I had finished the bar, he'd done nothing. Absolutely NOTHING! So I wiped the tables down , asked him to put silverware on them and finished up the rest of my job as well as a side job from the manager and still, there was no silverware on the tables. If tables aren't ready and available, no one gets cut. What the heck could possibly be keeping him from doing a thirty second job? So I did that too. Then, one of the cocktail servers came to me and told me that she had told the manger to make sure any tip out for bussing after the busser was cut goes directly to me. She said it only seems fair with all the work I did. So by 10:30, an hour after I would usually leave, I was finally able to go home.

I then came home and did all the dishes here at home. Because they were piling up since there was nowhere to put dirty dishes because my roommates did not put their clean and dried ones away. So I had to do all that too and finish all their dishes. It took me half an hour to do it all. I was simultaneously making Kal his Pizza Rolls and by the time I got them back to him, they were not oven hot anymore, but at least edible. He didn't mind. He's a boy, and they were food. When I went back to clean up the Pizza Roll mess, and he realized where I'd gone, he made me go back to my room and change into sweats, since I hadn't even taken the time to do that yet, and washed everything up for me. What a sweetheart. Then, I woke up early this morning to go to Bible Study with Michalski, but then when I texted her and asked if she was going to come pick me up, she said we weren't meeting because four of the girls weren't going to be able to make it. I need to get in on that email loop I guess. Ah well.

I was already up, so I made some coffee, did some reading, and now I'm typing this up. If I were a teacher teacher, I would probably be in my classroom doing work and making lesson plans for next week. As it is, I just follow what everyone else plans on Saturdays. Ha! I'm ahead of myself in planning for Reading Groups, so I really have nothing to do for school. Hopefully I'll get some rest today then since it's only 10:30 and I don't have to work until six. I even have Sunday off of work, which is very unusual. I got next Sunday off too, which has never happened. So that will be nice.

Well, I'm going to do some more reading and relaxing. TTFN!

Bleh... (And Other Things)

Unfortunately, there wasn't a two hour delay again this morning :( I was a little disappointed. The high is 6 degrees warmer for today though. I guess that six degrees makes a big difference, even when there aren't many degrees to be working with in the first place.

My title choice today stems from how I felt when I rolled out of bed. Bleh. Moving only made it worse, and I  eventually started feeling like I wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and cry, and never move again. But I trudged forward and made it to school on time. If these kids get me sick, I'm going to be pretty upset. I  can't afford to be sick. I live on a day by day income. I can't just take a day off. I ate some toast and had a glass of orange juice and a vitamin. Healthy eating....healthy eating...healthy eating....healthy eating...

Acuity is throwing everything off for Reading Groups for the next couple days. So while everyone is finishing up testing I have to transition into new groups and work on keeping everyone on the same page. Krista says that the one girl who will be missing a couple days is pretty good about keeping up outside of class when she needs to. I really hope that's the case. Today wasn't too bad at least. I think I'm really going to like this group of girls. They seem much more into reading at least, even if the skill level isn't where it should be, so that's a good start. If this continues, I should be just fine. We had a shortened day today, so I'm hoping that as the time slot falls into something normal and consistent, I'll  be able to listen to and instruct them individually as well.

I've started to have dreams about the crazy happenings in school and in my mind. Last night, I took it out on the kids in the low fifth grade math class that still can't tell you how to find the area of a triangle after over a week. Then some kid told me I didn't have to be a "Michigan B****" about it. So somehow the OSU/Michigan rivalry had a say (thank you Kal?), which is completely displaced from school. Some days, I don't know how I survive. There's so much crazy going on in my life. Maybe seven hours of sleep at night isn't enough or something. Or maybe the kids can just remember how to use the formula A= 1/2 x b x h! And that 1/2 = 0.5! I know geometry stuff is hard, and it reaches into abstract thinking that is very difficult for these kids, but we've made is as concrete as possible for them!

One of the kids really makes

In other news, I also discovered today that I can add Middle School endorsements to my license in any of the four main subject areas by passing a Praxis II test for it. It covers grades 5-9. I could bump up my qualifications by three grade levels in whatever subject I want. Possibilities for the future? Yes. It doesn't look like I'll have to take classes for it either. Although in preparation for it, I can "take" college classes for $25 each, but don't have to do the classwork if I don't want and don't get credits for taking it. But if I don't need the credits, who cares! I'm just studying! In conclusion of that branch of the tree, yes, I will be pursuing the possibility of teaching Middle School in Tippy Valley. I would go there first because sixth grade is considered Middle School there. Didn't I tell myself I would never teach Middle School. Oh well. Rumor has it there's going to be a lot of people retiring this year, so maybe I'll be able to get a classroom in Warsaw, closer to home.

Come March and April, I'll have to really be thinking about what I want to do in the fall. I dream, of course, of having an elementary classroom. Fourth and fifth grade seems like fun, but I'll take whatever I can get. I'm thinking polka dots and lots of color! Ha! The problem, is I have a lot of dreams that are seeming more and more like fantasy as a result of all the changes that have come about since I first imagined myself here. No matter how I slice it, nothing is going to be turning out like I had thought it would.

There's a couple of student teachers in the building this semester and one of the supervisors came in and met with one today at lunch. She mentioned something about since there was a new leader for education in our state now, maybe some changes would be made for our better. I can only hope.

I've been blogging a lot of random thoughts and musings lately. I should probably give myself and you a break. If I had an iPad I could blog pictures of my life too :) but I don't have that luxury, haha. I'll have to do it the "long" way with my camera. It still needs to be charged. I haven't used it in so long. This needs to change. Poor Kal. He'll probably end up getting attacked with my sudden camera-happy mood. Is it the weekend yet? No...it's only Wednesday.

Well, all that being said, I think I'll leave you alone for now. I will talk with you on another date. Although I can't help but share one of my favorite pictures :) I got a whole bunch of borders and labels and stuff from teacherspayteachers.com so I was playing....

Yes, look at that smile. I am well taken care of here :) He even brought me soup, yogurt, and chocolate tonight since I wasn't feeling well. What a champ :)

Until next time then!

The Freezer Tribune

Hello there! Greetings from the deep freezer of Northern Indiana! There are a lot of fantastic opportunities to get frozen here in the great recesses of the world. Simply walk outside and show some skin! You'll be happy with your frostbite result in only minutes! What makes this a must see destination is that you don't have to lay in a bed on your own like tanning (who does that?), there's enough room outside for you and all your friends! Say goodbye to the slow freezing of failing heaters. One step outside and you will be forever changed! Feel the tingly sensation of your nose hairs freezing instantaneously with every breath, and your fingers going stiff with loss of blood flow. At a chilling 1 degree Fahrenheit this morning, you're sure to have your hair stand on end! Get the full experience of a Northern winter right here in Warsaw, Indiana. Kick back and enjoy the Eskimo wannabes sprinting from building to automobile and back again; laugh at them in their frustration when their car is too frozen to start! It's all here and we cannot wait for you to join us in the frozen tundra we call home. It's a one of a kind experience you surely cannot miss.

Well, that being said, with the temperature dropping dangerously low for health and safety, school was delayed for a couple of hours this morning. When I got off work last night and speed walked from my car in the driveway to the house, my fingers were going numb. And I had gloves on! What's awesome about America though is that after hearing yesterday that a wind chill advisory was going out and you should not have any exposed skin for the next couple days, I walk into JCPenny and see bikinis being sold. Sigh.

I'm feeling better about life starting this week, thanks to the plenty of rest I was able to get over my three day weekend and two hour delay! I felt productive and on top of things this morning and arrived to school ten minutes early. I even hit all the lights green going down 30! BONUS! Basically, by the time I got to school, I went and sat in on a fifth grade talking to about bullying and gossip and drama and then took lunch. Which, by the way, was super incredible. I found a recipe on the side of my Velveeta box for broccoli and cheese soup. It's made out of things I usually have lying around for cooking anyway, so it was at no extra expense, and it was the best soup ever. I even had a can of Pillsbury Grands in the fridge that needed using before they expired. I whipped it all up in just a half an hour and had a very satisfying meal. Plus, making one batch will feed me three times. So I took it with me for lunch today too.

I experienced a bit of a phenomenon today as well. I looked to see if I'd been billed for my student loans yet this month, and I hadn't. I found I was slightly disappointed. I did the math and discovered that I will have another loan stamped as PAID IN FULL by March, so in two more payments. I actually caught myself begging them to bill me so I can get rid of it and show them who's really in control of my debt. ME! Not them and their interest rates. The one about to be annihilated is costing me 6.8%. This is going to feel really good. There's nothing quite like taking an ax to something that's standing in your way.

Also, this weekend, I began making a list of possibilities for apartments this summer.  I have a couple of options that would be really super nice to land. Both "communities" are income restricted. I'm not sure how I would fit into that, or if I would. Canterbury told me to contact them again closer to my moving date, and Pike Lake I haven't emailed yet; but last March, they told me I had to be out of school for at least five months. So at least now I fall into that category. If I get into one of these two places, I would most likely stay there for a few years. At reasonable rent prices and good living space, it's unique to the area. Most things are run down and/or overpriced. I need to find something in the $300-$400 range. I can't afford more than that.

I asked one of the managers at Ruby's last night if he thought they would think training me as a server over Spring Break would be worth it. I could only promise them April through July because hopefully I'll have a teaching job starting up in August. We shall see. He said that yes, it would be worth the time to train, and if I was good, then yes, he would put me on the floor. It wouldn't be adding to my hours I work every week really because my availability would still be the same. I feel like as scary as it is, if I never try it, I'm always going to wonder if I could have done it. If I don't like it, I can just go back to hosting I guess. I'd keep that part of the job anyway probably. I don't know if I could serve all the time. If I choose to go that route, I'll have to figure out what days of Spring Break I'll need to be back in Warsaw for that training.

Tonight will probably be really slow at work because of the cold. I don't know if people will want to leave their houses to go anywhere they don't need to. We have reached up to 14 degrees, so maybe people will get brave. Last night was really good, steady, but not crazy; that's really nice. I hope we were able to pull in a decent amount of money last night. That's the one thing that really sucks about the restaurant business. Every penny you make is dependent upon how well people tip. Sometimes, it's not even your fault, people just stiff you. I know I only see maybe fifty cents from each tip, maybe, but that fifty cents adds up over time. One of the servers was telling me when I first started though that he lives and pays a mortgage off of what he makes working full time. That's impressive. And he had the extra cash to start his own business, a little coffee  and craft shop, with his now fiance. Cute! I wouldn't go as far as to say I would feel financially secure only serving as a waitress for the rest of my life, but I can see the benefits there.

Well that went full circle quickly. I guess I don't have much else to tell you. I have yet to get the motivation and discipline to get up and do some exercises in the morning. I still have to finish folding and putting my laundry away and my room is in serious need of attention. I didn't get to the library either. I think I need something non-education related to read anyway to give my mind a break.

Sometimes I feel like I hit the pause button on life for all the working yet life still moves forward at the same time. I can't seem to do everything I feel like I should be doing or need to do. Real life just seems to be a lot of working for me.

One of the teachers here was telling me today at lunch that she's ready for summer already. She's not alone either. From a lot of conversations in the building, many people are getting worn down and ready to be done for a while. It's only January. We still have a week and a half of this month left, then a good four months and a week after that! So, four and a half months to, what, freedom? Yeah right. Summer will have enough troubles of its own for this gal here. I'll just hope for another two hour delay tomorrow. Haha!

Well, on that note, I'm going to go out and brave the cold. I need to make sure Libby runs for at least five minutes before I try to drive her anywhere. Yeah, I know. Good luck to me.

Stay chill folks!

Challenge Accepted (And Colorful Conclusions)

Kal and I had a very good discussion last night about us and our lives and naturally, I broke down and cried and sobbed my way through my misery; he then pointed something out to me. He said that in an effort to try to make my days better, I should start off in the morning thinking about something positive, something I love or am thankful for about that day. I cried some more and said that used to be me. I was the...what did i say?...flower in the snowstorm. I used to see a challenge to overcome in just about everything. What's happened? I've gotten all out of whack. All I do is work and there's no time for myself or my mental, spiritual, or emotional health. I've become a wreck, and it's screwing up my whole life perspective.

I am a fighter. I persevere. I don't give up. I win.

This is simply how I am wired. I need something to conquer again to give myself a feeling of success despite how everything else makes me feel. So, I have accepted the challenge to try and make it happen. It's not going to be easy, but I can't allow life to beat me down and make me feel defeated. Am I on a bit of a high right now? Yes. Will I crash down with a smack that shakes the world? Probably. But I will not lose myself.

Sure, all of this sounds hokey and romantic and fantastical, but it's how my brain operates. So this weekend, I have an extra day on Monday. I am going to do some things to get myself back on track and feeling as close to 100% that I can starting back to school on Tuesday. I will:

1. Begin working out in the morning, after a good night's rest.
2. Spend time in the Word and prayer and hopefully start my bible study for next weekend (if Michalski copied those chapters for me).
3. Plan the next full week of my new Reading Groups.
4. Take some time to catch up with friends and family to strengthen relationships.
5. Get out of the house! Whether this is window shopping or picking out knitting materials, I will leave this enclosure for non-work related purposes, not worrying about the miles it puts on my car or the gas it takes to do so.
6. Walk in early on Tuesday morning, prepared, with a smile on my face and immediately offer a warm greeting to one of the most difficult relationships I have at Leesburg.
7. Keep in mind that I am beginning a new journey in which I may not be in complete control, but I am in control of my attitude from day to day and my responses to trying situations.

This is my recipe for success this weekend. I will begin by walking into Ruby Tuesdays in exactly 45 minutes from now ready to work and make the experiences of our guests more enjoyable because they met me. I will  probably end up putting positive thoughts on index cards and taping them to the mirror in the bathroom as well so I start each day with those things on my mind.

I will also probably end up watching Ohio State with Kal, because I love him and he loves them.

Please be praying for me this weekend that I will be refreshed and rejuvenated and ready to roll in three days time. This stage of life has never been for me since I began, and I don't anticipate that changing. Therefore, all I can do is put on my shoes and run out the door to meet it.

I have been inspired this week, despite my dreary surroundings, by one of the fifth grade teachers. I walk into her classroom and I see myself. It's everything I would want a classroom to be. I've pretty much dropped the theme idea (Though I still love watching my Dr. Seuss collection grow! Those books are useful for everything!) because it's difficult and expensive. This particular teacher's classroom is just vibrant and full of color. Everything is neatly organized and integrated. Her classroom management fits my style, but I don't know if I ever would have found this technique had I not had begin pushing into her classroom to support a student in writing every day. I cannot help but notice many of the characteristics of a great educator which Randy had me read about over Christmas break. I look forward to observing her for the next half of the year. I feel that I will learn a lot from this. As an added bonus, she is very approachable. I feel very comfortable to ask her questions and get insight from her.

Today went smoother than the rest of the week. I spent very little down time in the resource room. I pretty much went straight from one place to the next. I felt better about myself and less like I was being judged. Prof. Cox let me stay in her room when she took her class out at the end for the extra recess they'd earned this week so I wouldn't have to go back to the room to work. I put report cards in students' mail boxes for her and began thinking about next week's reading groups.Today, I just felt like a teacher. I felt like I was doing something for those kids to help make them better. I hope I can carry that mindset into next week as well.

Perhaps I'll take a trip to the library and find another book on education to read. I got an invitation to join ASCD (which I talked to Mom and Dad about a bit), but I don't know if I can spare the extra $40 or so for the year, and I'm not sure how much more that membership will help me than it already is with what I can get for free. Not that I can ever read all they send me in the daily SmartBrief. So to the library it is I guess.

Well, I guess I have a lot to do! And I now only have 25 minutes before I need to be striding through Ruby's front door. So thank you, as always, for your prayers, and I will let you know how all of this goes!

Heart Gouges and Giggles

Today is just another day of feeling inadequate. I'm tired of feeling like I can't have any extra time to work during the day without the lady I'm working under questioning if I'm doing my job. This morning, she was real passive about asking where I went during the last half hour of school, then said "I had both [those kids] in here and  I was really struggling." Um, I hate to break it to you, but me and one of them were not on good terms and my directions would not have been heeded anyway. Besides, I'm not a special ed major. I don't carry a special ed license. I'm general elementary education. I can only take so much in a day, and it's not like I can explain that to her without sounding like I'm making excuses. It's killing me. I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I miss having my own space, my own room to work out of. I often spend my minutes trying to avoid her judgmental eyes. I'm doing my job and getting paid next to nothing for it. If there's a break in the schedule, it's not my fault.

I miss sitting back in sweats, coffee in hand, reading about education and making a difference. I miss writing papers and expressing opinions and all that goes with it. I love being a student, and I love passing on my love of learning. This environment is not meeting those needs like they need to be met. For me, used to being towards the top of the class, feeling inadequate here is really stinking hard! My dream job doesn't exist. And that's really hard to swallow.

Fortunately for me, there's no school on Monday. I have a long weekend to unwind and regroup. Maybe I'll find a decent price on a new shirt this weekend and try to make myself feel fresh on Tuesday. Sometimes little stuff like that makes a big difference.

I did start my Skill/Strategy cards today. I have two sets cut and clued to index cards. That's a small silver lining. I also discovered that one of the fifth grade reading groups I'm switching to is at a level Q, higher than I thought. There's hope for getting to grade level yet. I think I'm only going to use the cards for them. The other group has only two students and they are too low to be ready for them. This makes it a bit easier on me.

I also saw a HUGE tumbleweed as I left the school building today. Haha! I kid you not, this thing could have run me over! It was ridiculous! That's a sign your school is in the middle of nowhere.

On that lovely laughing note, I have a skype date with the lovely Heidi :) TTFN!

My "Techy-Brain" Debate

In this fabulous age of technology, there is much available to make your life easier. Alright, so sometimes that's a stretch. There are many days I curse technology under my breath for taking the artisan out of all of us and creating a world where cursive writing is dying and books are no longer pastimes. I've often scorned the idea of succumbing to the idea of having a "smart-everything". But now, as I begin to delve deeper into the world of education, I am starting to see the benefits of having a smartphone or iPad at your fingertips.

During the few months I was covering the maternity leave, I was out of the loop most of the time because I wasn't able to check my email every half hour. Now, in my Instructional Assistant position, I'm usually lugging my computer from place to place, and being five years old, this thing is getting slow, and honestly, it's kind of heavy (alright, alright, so maybe it's just me thinking it's heavy because everything else in the world now-a-days is just so light).

Regardless, it's gotten me thinking. I've considered upgrading to an iPhone this summer, but I don't know that I can afford paying $360 each year for the data plan. Plus, once I go there, I will mostly likely never return. So, I shifted my sights to the iPad. The debate came down to choosing which one is the best choice between the three that are available: iPad 2, iPad with Retina display, or iPad mini. When I checked the website, I have no idea what Wi-Fi + Cellular or 3G meant, so I just stuck with good ol' normal Wi-Fi, and this is what I found:

You probably can't even read that, but that's alright. On a computer? Press Ctrl and the + sign at the same time and it will zoom in. Cool eh? Ctrl - will zoom back out :) Anyway. Even if I stuck with the 16GB, it would still do everything I needed, right? It would be super portable and lightweight. And cheaper. I have no idea what that chip thing means, but I doubt it's all that important. Mom's works just fine without the fancy one :)

Those are the things I'm considering. I don't think the Retina display is worth the extra price. I'm young enough. I can still see it just fine, thank you.

So I don't know. I'm still contemplating. I'm not sure if this is where I'll go or not. This would obviously be like, a long term goal. Of course, by the time I save up enough to get one, there will probably be better options, that's just how technology works. Which is why I hate technology so much deep down. For that, I give props to the Amish. I hate spending large sums of money in one place, but if it's going to be a benefit to me, maybe it's worth the pain? My computer will probably die before then, and my car break down. So this all is most likely a moot point.

Some prayer requests before I go:

I love working with "low" students, giving them someone who believes in them. I love having the opportunity to make them feel like they can succeed. However, there are some days I simply feel as if I'm going to clock one of them on top of the head. They've given up on themselves, so they don't try. You repeat yourself over and over and over again and they still expect to get away with not doing the work. And emotional disabilities are my limit. They push me beyond myself. I am a woman of very strong, lively emotions and when someone starts pushing me, I get angry. Fast. I know this about myself, so I do everything in my power to remain under control and operate as the adult in the situation, because I am. Today, there was one boy who was blatantly disrespectful to both me and the math teacher by having his back turned to the board and not doing his work. When I confronted him, he responded with a smirk and "I'm just reading this" (the bulletin board in the back of the room). It took all of my effort to not slap him silly. It makes me sad that they took paddling out of schools. Kids like that just think they can get away with whatever they want because we can't lay a hand on them. In fact, he's doing the same thing to the special ed teacher right now as I type this. I'm going to have to relocate to the fifth and sixth grade workroom or I'm going to end up with a lawsuit against me.

Please be praying that I have the patience to work with these kids and the wisdom to know what to do in all the random, unexpected situations. I want to help these kids. That's what I'm passionate about. I don't want to be undone by my sinful nature.

Also, I've about had it with living under Kurt's rented roof. I need to start my apartment hunting to make myself feel better. It's that time of year anyway. I have less than five months until I need to move somewhere else. Please be praying for me as I search that I find a good place that I feel comfortable and safe in that doesn't rip me off financially. I can't afford a lot, but I don't want to live in fear and discomfort, especially because it looks like I'll end up living by myself. Unless KimKim and I end up being besties or something.

I now have to head out to BYC and work some more with kids who I will need to repeat things time and time again, unless they put me in the craft group (fingers crossed). I love those kiddos, but I can only take so much at a time, and today, I'm drowning.

Technology Troubles and Great Ideas

I ran into a bit of a frustration today with technology. I spent all this time working on making these index card rings for my lowest reading group, I saved it as a PDF, sent it to myself, went to print it off in the office where there's a colored printer, and it didn't send it. I come back to the room to find that something new needs to be installed in order for it to work. It worked last week, why can't it work today? I had such good ideas too, but stupid technology has once again gotten in the way. I don't have the authority to load it into the computer either. Now I don't know what I'm going to do. Part of my thinks that it doesn't matter because I only have this group one more time because of Acuity this week, and then Krista and I are switching groups. I'm going to take the fifth graders and she's going to take the sixth. I really like my kids. I'm not excited to start all over with new groups.

Why does this job have to be this way? Why can't there be some consistency to keep me sane? I was starting to get comfortable, and now they're mixing it up again! Ha. I guess I'll just have to readjust all over again. The kids I'll be switching to are much lower than they should be. One group is at a level K. At the end of the year, fifth graders are supposed to be at a level T. So there's a lot to do. From my experience so far, level M is the hardest hump to get over. I would love to at least get them to the hump, even if we can't get over it. We'll see.

My vision for the index card rings is each card having one of ten skills/strategies that "Good Readers" have and use. I've created a page of these with a brief blurb about each

I want to laminate the cards, punch them, put them on the ring. On the lined side, after they are laminated, students can write examples as we discuss them in reading groups with a fine-tipped permanent marker. I also want to include a laminated orange index card labeled: My Reading Goals. Students can write their goals for the rest of the school year. These can be to reach a certain F&P level (the A-Z scale), how many extra minutes they want to spend reading each night to improve, mastery of a certain skill/strategy, etc. These  cards will be easy to carry from place to place and will help them keep track of the things good readers do! Now that I think of it, this may be really good for the struggling fifth graders. So maybe it's okay I'm being thwarted right now in completing them.

I'm super excited for these to become real. However, this will require me figuring out how to get them to a color printer and learning to use the laminater. Oh well. I'm always up for learning new things! I'll also need to get more index cards. I don't have enough 3x5 sized ones. We have a lot of 5x7 that I could cut, but that would be so much work! :) We'll see.

Well, I need to get to work at Ruby's, then I'm going to go home and figure out what I want to eat. I'll probably fill up on biscuits at work like I usually do, but I'll still be able to get something else in me I'm sure. Everyone knows how I can eat. I'll also enjoy some of the gingerbread cookies Kal and I made the other night. I found a roll of dough at Owen's for $0.99 after Christmas and the Pillsbury dough boy sure does know how to do it! We were are loving them!

He started Insanity at 6 this morning at the rec with some of his housemates.I'm so proud. As I had trouble getting out of bed before 8. Sigh. Ah well, maybe tomorrow I'll go myself?

Like everything else in this post: we'll see.

Random Stuff

I met my new roommate the other night! After Grace got married and moved out, we weren't sure what was going to happen. We knew that she was responsible for the room unless she handed it off to someone new, but she was having trouble finding someone to replace her. When I got back from break, Courtney informed me that KimKim was going to be moving into the big empty room sometime in January. She's been moving in slowly and she's always been there when I haven't been, go figure. So, she came down to my room to see if I was there this time, and I was! I was super excited to finally meet her.

KimKim is very sweet. She works at Grace and is also working on her Masters, so she's just as busy as we are. She loves clean bathrooms (YAY!) and to cook (and share her cooking!). We talked for more than twenty minutes about life, getting to know each other a little bit. She moved in for good last night and has spent the day trying to figure out how she wants to set up her new room :)

I've had to experiment with me and Mom's "Hot 'n' Spicy Chocolate Tea". We don't have chocolate syrup in the house, but I do have chocolate soy from my morning smoothie ingredients...but I must say, I like it better the original way. It's not bad like this, but I think I prefer the original. Even Dad likes it, so you know it's gotta be good. I've been missing the Pecan coffee creamer too. So I'll need to see if I can find some. I really hope they didn't stop making it after the holidays.

I'm trying to be holy here and listen to worship music on Pandora and our neighbors are blasting some crazy bass beat. Sounds like a club. What the heck! Haha!

I went to a women's Bible study with Bethany Michalski this morning. This group of ladies is composed of primarily younger teachers and they meet every other Saturday morning at 9:00. After today, I feel like it could be a really good fit for me. They're all older than me, but I feel like it could be the place I was looking for. Thank you for your prayers in that. I need a group setting that keeps me accountable to do my part and come prepared. This will hopefully keep me in the Word like I should be. It's difficult to explain the draw of this. I need to have a structure. Just opening the Bible and starting is always my hang up. I can't do that, I hate the feeling of having no direction. Having a structured study with goals and chapters and a specific focus from session to session I believe will be what I need to spur me forward until I feel like I can do it on my own. It helps that Michalski will be there too. She's someone I truly respect and look up to.

I don't have many other random things to announce, besides that I was asked out by a sixth grader on Thursday. That was interesting. I have to work with this kid a couple times a day too, so I'm going to have to get over this feeling of violation. I don't want him staring at me. I'm there to instruct him and develop him academically. The kid can't read to save his life, that should be his concern.

Anyway. That's me right now. I'm excited to get to know KimKim better and I'm very happy with how the assistant job has been reformatted. I hope that I will be able to meet these kids where they need to be met and impact them positively. Middle school is going to be really hard for them and I want to help prepare them as best I can.

I Got Work to Do (I Got Work to Do)

There's this song that plays at Ruby Tuesday that is all about how much work this man needs to do and why it's an acceptable excuse to not be with his family. It's an upbeat, repetitive song that makes me want to kick something every time I hear it. This reaction occurs for multiple reasons. The first and foremost being that I find the character in the song to be a complete bag of bad words for putting career before family. Some things are worth sacrificing. Love and relationship comes before all else. Maybe today's culture finds me to be fantastical and absurd for this belief, but I stand by it. Second, I hear the words "I got work to do" and I want to storm through the restaurant and throw everyone out the door because I'm sick of always having to do work myself. Last night, in fact, I had run into a bit of a situation at the end of the school day when I realized I'd spent two hours working on lesson plans for a book that was a level too low for my reading group and was going to have to start all over, but I had to go work at Ruby's. I was thrilled. Sarcasm.

I have plenty of lessons to plan, which is exciting in its own way. However, I find Pippi Longstocking a very difficult story to teach. It's outrageous in its exaggeration and I can't find the base of the stories to show what is being exaggerated. I have to teach an "autobiography" because it was the book I grabbed in my rush to grab a new book for my other group, so there's no going back. It's just an accumulation of stories. Roald Dahl, the author, is well loved for his books and he got all of his ideas from his own life. Now I've found that one of the two students has never read on of his books before. Great. Now it's going to be very difficult to help him make connections to Dahl's other works. Super.

I also have to re-teach division with a group that is very diverse in their division abilities. Chaos abounds in that room, whatever room we're in. I never know what room we're going to end up in from day to day which doesn't help the situation at all. We're most likely going to be in a different room every day unless I can get the fourth grade teachers' permission to move around some furniture in the empty forth grade room to meet my needs for that class. That would be ideal.

I have to set up a time to meet with Prof Cox as well to try to rearrange reading groups. And I need to find a way to set up success time to meet the range of students. I also just found out that I was supposed to be somewhere to cover a class at 3:00. The note for this was lost in this mess. This is just fantastic. It's going to be a lot of work trying to get all of this sorted out and to get a system set in place. I already feel like I'm struggling to keep up since school is in full swing, being halfway through the year, and being in the middle of all these lessons I've had to pick up. I kind of want to bang my head against this table until my brains fall out.

I feel completely inadequate so often. So I'm going to go home, warm up some spaghetti, and do some magic. That's literally what I feel like I need to be able to do: magic. This is just so super awesome! It's discouraging when I can't see the results of my labor. I have to organize and keep up with all of the book reading Randy wants me to do as well. That's going to have me going crazy too most likely.

Well, spaghetti and lesson plans, here I come!

Freedom in the Night

It's been a long time, and it's a whole new year. But some things never change. It is currently 1:37am and I am sitting here typing out my woes. I feel as if I'm going to break down and disintegrate in my own tears. I'm a big worrier. I don't want to be. It's stressful, it's overwhelming. Yet I do it anyway. I have dreams, big dreams, for myself and my future; but all those dreams are going to cost me a fortune it seems. I look at the next couple of years ahead of me and it seems so hopeless. In fact, right now, I don't even have the words to express the sobs of depression rolling through my body which I burn to hold back.

I work hard and fight hard and every time I feel like I have some wiggle room, the rubber band snaps back into place, tight around my neck, choking me. I yearn for release, for freedom. How am I going to pay for replacements for things like my car and my computer in the next few years? How am I going to ever afford a wedding? I want to pay my loans off in as close to five years as possible. Even with one loan down (I cried for joy when I received my "PAID IN FULL NOTIFICATION") and two more burning away under my focused gaze, how do I foresee it all ending?

Even though I'm so careful with every penny I earn, I still feel like it's all slipping away before I can organize it into nice, neat, orderly rows and designate them to given funds for my life. Every dime is so precious because they take forever to compile. I make my checking account as small and my savings as large as possible under my circumstances.

I excite myself over watching my debts decrease. Pride myself in paying off my credit card for gas expenses every month. Somehow, I'm doing it, I'm getting by. I just have no idea how. God has provided in so many ways. God has provided for me in countless ways. I've learned to get by on the minimum and to find contentment in it (most days). I don't need fancy feasts or expensive dates to satisfy. However, my dreams are bigger than the here and now. But I feel as if I become so focused on what is to come, what I desire for what's to come that I begin to collapse now.

"Trust God", they all say. "He'll make a way." Yeah, of course He will. But I have issues seeing it. Trusting that has never been my forte. In fact, it's always been one of my biggest struggles. Something about it goes so against my human nature. I make my own way. I blaze my own trails. I'm a survivor. I'm a fighter. I persevere. And you want me to hand over the reigns and trust that someone else is going to get it all taken care of? How do I rest in that? What's that supposed to look like?

On Tuesday, I go back to the grueling schedule of three jobs and 60 hours a week. Will there be rest? Will I find freedom from worry? As the days, weeks, months, progress, will I see the fruit of my labor in not only my bank account but God's work of rest and peace in my heart and soul? How do I let Him do that? Am I even capable?

Every time I think of my first loan being PAID IN FULL I think of the grace and the mercy of Christ. He paid my debts. These debts were far deeper and darker and by all accounts un-repayable. Yet He looked at me with love in His eyes and His arms open wide, reaching for me and said "It is finished. It's over. You don't owe me anything. Just come. I've paid your debt in full. You're free. Just come."

Just come.

I pray, that in the middle of my trials and my struggles and my sufferings, I learn to do just that.