Heart Gouges and Giggles

Today is just another day of feeling inadequate. I'm tired of feeling like I can't have any extra time to work during the day without the lady I'm working under questioning if I'm doing my job. This morning, she was real passive about asking where I went during the last half hour of school, then said "I had both [those kids] in here and  I was really struggling." Um, I hate to break it to you, but me and one of them were not on good terms and my directions would not have been heeded anyway. Besides, I'm not a special ed major. I don't carry a special ed license. I'm general elementary education. I can only take so much in a day, and it's not like I can explain that to her without sounding like I'm making excuses. It's killing me. I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I miss having my own space, my own room to work out of. I often spend my minutes trying to avoid her judgmental eyes. I'm doing my job and getting paid next to nothing for it. If there's a break in the schedule, it's not my fault.

I miss sitting back in sweats, coffee in hand, reading about education and making a difference. I miss writing papers and expressing opinions and all that goes with it. I love being a student, and I love passing on my love of learning. This environment is not meeting those needs like they need to be met. For me, used to being towards the top of the class, feeling inadequate here is really stinking hard! My dream job doesn't exist. And that's really hard to swallow.

Fortunately for me, there's no school on Monday. I have a long weekend to unwind and regroup. Maybe I'll find a decent price on a new shirt this weekend and try to make myself feel fresh on Tuesday. Sometimes little stuff like that makes a big difference.

I did start my Skill/Strategy cards today. I have two sets cut and clued to index cards. That's a small silver lining. I also discovered that one of the fifth grade reading groups I'm switching to is at a level Q, higher than I thought. There's hope for getting to grade level yet. I think I'm only going to use the cards for them. The other group has only two students and they are too low to be ready for them. This makes it a bit easier on me.

I also saw a HUGE tumbleweed as I left the school building today. Haha! I kid you not, this thing could have run me over! It was ridiculous! That's a sign your school is in the middle of nowhere.

On that lovely laughing note, I have a skype date with the lovely Heidi :) TTFN!