Freedom in the Night

It's been a long time, and it's a whole new year. But some things never change. It is currently 1:37am and I am sitting here typing out my woes. I feel as if I'm going to break down and disintegrate in my own tears. I'm a big worrier. I don't want to be. It's stressful, it's overwhelming. Yet I do it anyway. I have dreams, big dreams, for myself and my future; but all those dreams are going to cost me a fortune it seems. I look at the next couple of years ahead of me and it seems so hopeless. In fact, right now, I don't even have the words to express the sobs of depression rolling through my body which I burn to hold back.

I work hard and fight hard and every time I feel like I have some wiggle room, the rubber band snaps back into place, tight around my neck, choking me. I yearn for release, for freedom. How am I going to pay for replacements for things like my car and my computer in the next few years? How am I going to ever afford a wedding? I want to pay my loans off in as close to five years as possible. Even with one loan down (I cried for joy when I received my "PAID IN FULL NOTIFICATION") and two more burning away under my focused gaze, how do I foresee it all ending?

Even though I'm so careful with every penny I earn, I still feel like it's all slipping away before I can organize it into nice, neat, orderly rows and designate them to given funds for my life. Every dime is so precious because they take forever to compile. I make my checking account as small and my savings as large as possible under my circumstances.

I excite myself over watching my debts decrease. Pride myself in paying off my credit card for gas expenses every month. Somehow, I'm doing it, I'm getting by. I just have no idea how. God has provided in so many ways. God has provided for me in countless ways. I've learned to get by on the minimum and to find contentment in it (most days). I don't need fancy feasts or expensive dates to satisfy. However, my dreams are bigger than the here and now. But I feel as if I become so focused on what is to come, what I desire for what's to come that I begin to collapse now.

"Trust God", they all say. "He'll make a way." Yeah, of course He will. But I have issues seeing it. Trusting that has never been my forte. In fact, it's always been one of my biggest struggles. Something about it goes so against my human nature. I make my own way. I blaze my own trails. I'm a survivor. I'm a fighter. I persevere. And you want me to hand over the reigns and trust that someone else is going to get it all taken care of? How do I rest in that? What's that supposed to look like?

On Tuesday, I go back to the grueling schedule of three jobs and 60 hours a week. Will there be rest? Will I find freedom from worry? As the days, weeks, months, progress, will I see the fruit of my labor in not only my bank account but God's work of rest and peace in my heart and soul? How do I let Him do that? Am I even capable?

Every time I think of my first loan being PAID IN FULL I think of the grace and the mercy of Christ. He paid my debts. These debts were far deeper and darker and by all accounts un-repayable. Yet He looked at me with love in His eyes and His arms open wide, reaching for me and said "It is finished. It's over. You don't owe me anything. Just come. I've paid your debt in full. You're free. Just come."

Just come.

I pray, that in the middle of my trials and my struggles and my sufferings, I learn to do just that.